The Beginning of My Spiritual Journey from Need to Love

Old age is like climbing a hill and watching trains go by.  You can see all the parts of your life with their huge differences that you didn’t always notice when they were up close and personal. Each train had an engine carrying the weight of its life. Some were passenger trains with well stocked dining cars for affluent partying people. Some had cars with large open areas for a scenic nature experience.  Others were working trains delivering necessities for survival. Some had a few older cars scarred by memories of the journeys of lost souls seeking a new life. The oldest trains have a lonely last car for looking back to where they’ve been.

There was a time in my early adult life when I had an affluent seemingly perfect life. It was the life my mother wanted but didn’t get. But I wasn’t like my mother, so it was a missed fit. I felt both inadequate and displaced, but didn’t have any idea of a better place. Along the way I had become disillusioned with my religion and since I had unknowingly made a God of my religion, I did not have faith in God to help me.

I felt inadequate and lonely, so I was mostly needy.  And need is not only painful, but it is the opposite of love. Pleasure trumps pain, so I found a pain reliever in a party life with lots of alcohol.

Since the brilliant father I had adored had also been an alcoholic, I finally became alarmed by my need for alcohol to make it through the day.  I sought help in a counseling group for alcoholics. After about six months, I broke down in a group session tearfully admitting that I felt incapable of loving anyone, even my very kind husband and my four small children. Instead of judging me, the others were not only understanding, but tenderly caring. It was a healing moment.

The next day as I was vacuuming and reliving that moment, I sensed a loving presence with a hand on my shoulder.  It occurred to me that it might be Jesus. Then I remembered that I thought Jesus was a delusional dreamer who got himself killed. So, I put that possibility in my mental file of unlikely possibilities. But somehow being not only known and understood but still valued began to free me to focus more on others’ needs, to begin to love.

I also began to search for something that would help me make more sense of life.  I read the Scriptures. I even took some introductory courses in some mainstream denominations, but I didn’t learn much about the role Jesus plays in today’s world. I also asked friends who attended churches about some of the miracle stories and the changed lives described in Acts. No one seemed to believe those were part of Christianity anymore.  I even attended a Vanderbilt Divinity school course on other World Religions, but the teacher mainly pointed out their negative aspects.

Shortly after this some friends who were living the same affluent party life changed. They not only began to talk about Jesus but decided to go to work full time for Campus Crusade for Christ. It was a non-denominational non-profit ministry.  I admit we all thought they’d lost their minds and hoped they had invested in something for their children’s education. But I couldn’t help but envy finding something worth giving up your affluent life-style.  A year later the couple came back to town and Judy asked us to have a “Christian Coffee” for our friends where several women would give “witness” talks about the change in their life that came from accepting Jesus as their Savior and Lord.  I helped by calling friends and telling them the talks would be short and the food delicious. 

The women sharing about changes in their relationships and values did strike a chord in me. But my inner twin to doubting Thomas put that in my “Need More Information” file and I didn’t join in when they led the group saying the prayer accepting Jesus as Savior and Lord.  When everyone was hugging and sharing afterward, I started washing the dishes. The woman who led the prayer came up to me and asked if I had said the prayer.  I said, “No. I don’t believe in God and though I think Jesus was a really good guy, I think he was delusional.” She didn’t even blink, she just said, “Well, why don’t you say the prayer this way, ‘Jesus, IF you are who you said you were, the Son of God and our Savior, I want you as my Savior and Lord.” Well, I thought about that for a moment and decided it seemed like a win/win situation. If he was, I wouldn’t want to miss out on it. And if he wasn’t, it wouldn’t make any difference. So, I said the prayer that way and then went back to washing dishes.  As I washed dishes I wondered how or when I would know. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with an absolute certainty that I was known and loved unconditionally with a love that passed any human understanding. Sheer JOY filled my heart to overflowing. It was mind blowing and life changing. The things I now knew with both mind and heart were that God loves us all. That Jesus came to flesh out that love and teach us His Way to love. I don’t call this being “saved” because that sounded like “finished.”  But the kind of love I was experiencing was grace to grow in loving through whatever it took to become the person God created me to be. At eighty-six I am still growing in understanding and in my capacity for loving even the unlovable in me and others. And it’s a stretching process that often means not only seeing the light but feeling the heat.
Saying the prayer is not a magic incantation.  It’s a part of a learning process…..some of which I actually did before taking that leap.  Admitting the limits of my ability to love and that I was not meant for my lifestyle took a long time. It also took separating God from ALL the teachings of any ONE religion. God is bigger than our religions and though we need their community, we need to always remember that humanity itself isn’t finished yet. No one knows all the truth and nothing but the truth. As long as we DO NOT admit that we will keep disagreeing and fighting and separating and starting new religions. We only have to play the hand we personally are dealt the best we can and that doesn’t require any person or group being perfect/equal to God. Every person has their own time schedule for admitting the many different areas of our own life that need God’s grace and healing to free us. It takes a life time to let go of control and let God be God. I’m still struggling and as long as I am alive I will need prayers for grace. We all will.