Silence: Loneliness or Presence?

It’s weird to recognize that there’s a difference in the sound of silence from when my very quiet husband used to be working in his office in our apartment. He was so quiet, I often had to stop and try to remember if he had gone somewhere or was there to ask him something. Even living in an apartment where I can often hear neighbors, traffic in the parking area in front, and birdsong from the woods in the back, sometimes I suddenly realize that it is so still I can hear my breathing if I listen. I used to feel a sense of peace when I realized that. Now it feels heavy with loneliness and I want to turn on some music or go on face book to connect with other people. I have begun to listen to the sounds more closely though and respond to them more than before. There’s a train that passes near enough to hear and I now stop to listen to it. It sounds sad at first, but then it triggers memories of travel in Europe and evokes all sorts of pictures, sounds and even smells. As always, a downside and an upside. Even now that I am often stunned by the reality of my loss, the sound of a small child’s laughter is a fountain of joy.  I think eventually the heavy silence will come to feel like a comforter and help me focus on illusive intuitions I am now missing. I have always responded to the silence of a new snow in the woods with a vibrant sense of the presence of God.  It really seems like an Advent experience, now that I think about it.  Waiting for the silence of the presence of God.  I think there must have been that predawn moment of silence as Jesus was being born that erupted into angel choirs with the coming of the Son.  Let’s wait for it, our hearts filled with longing and hope.
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