“Warning! It’s Monday. Pity Party Ahead

And then comes the morning, yesterday’s sorrows behind? Maybe, maybe not.
I thought my faith would grow stronger and it would be easier in old age with less needs, children grown, more wisdom. Well, it ain’t necessarily so. Many days it’s a struggle to just stay physically functional. Wisdom seems to have only come about seeing how I screwed up in the past. Too soon old, too late smart sums it up. Grown children have troubles I can’t fix and that I worry that I caused somehow. I have more dead friends than alive ones and the ones I still have are also struggling. I find myself facing the probability of living alone for the first time in my seventy-nine years of life. I love my grandchildren more than life itself, but have no say about what happens to them. And physically can’t do things for and with them like I used to enjoy so much. And people, that I have grown to love, leave and don’t look back. And while I know these are necessary losses and part of my journey with God, on the days when I can’t see His footprints, it’s a struggle to stay emotionally functional. I quit crying some seventeen or eighteen years ago, when dealing with heartbreak over grandchildren born facing incredibly hard problems, because I thought if I ever let myself cry, I’d never stop. I was right. I’ve cried so much lately, I should be dehydrated.
I never was very good at persevering through things. I usually was good at finding a way around or out of them. About thirty years ago, I felt that God was challenging me by giving me a new name, “Perseverance.” I did realize even then, that this wasn’t necessarily good news about my future years. But, I have learned with grace, to persevere. I have even learned to laugh while gritting my teeth. (Not easy on any level 🙂 ) But sometimes, I just don’t want to. Today is one of those times
But, I will. I will grit my teeth, hang on with my fingernails, and be thankful for all the beauty, love, and joy God has given me in my life. And with Her grace, I will dig for that damn pony in all this manure. 🙂

 Addendum added four hours later:

OKay, in an attempt to look on the brighter side of things today: Getting into pain from vacuuming means I can only manage one room’s floor before sitting down a while to get out of pain. This is good not only because a rest does get me out of pain, it also gives me a time out to go on-line.

And in my time spent today preparing for my women’s scripture class tomorrow, I read the funny little story about Jesus needing two tries to heal the blind man, because after Jesus tried once by putting saliva on his eyes, the man still couldn’t see other people as being like himself. It helps to know that people who don’t have natural empathy for others, may eventually be healed and acquire it. But, I haven’t figured out the significance  of using saliva yet!  Unless it means that spitting in someone’s eye doesn’t do much good. 🙂

So, this Monday has had goodies to balance the baddies. Thanks be to God!!!

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About Eileen

Mother of five, grandmother of eleven, great-grandmother of seven, 1955 -1959 Rice University in Houston, TX. Taught primary grades; Was Associate Post Director of Religious Education at Ft. Campbell, KY; Consultant on the Myers/Briggs Type Indicator; Presently part time Administrative Assistant/Bookkeeper for Architect husband of fifty-seven years. Blog: Laughter: Carbonated Grace

Posted on September 19, 2016, in Autism, blessings, Death, Failure, fear, Forgiveness, grandchildren, hope, Humor, Jesus, Love, marriage, Mental Health, Necessary Losses, Parenting, Prayer, spiritual growth, Suffering, Teaching/Learning Experiences and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Amen, amen and amen! Forget the wisdom of age – I’d just like the energy and optimism of youth.

  2. Pity parties are good for the soul. There’s no point trying to trample all over how you really feel. Acknowledge that you’re down, know you’ll get back up. Much love to you in the process❤️

  3. Sometimes we need to give in to self-pity parties. I reticently injured my back and in the darkest hours of night could not stand the pain anymore and cried. I had planned so much over the next few weeks and everything has been cancelled. But then I thought…at least this is temporary and my heart went out to all those confined to a wheelchair. Please try not to be down, Eileen. Getting old sucks… I am beginning to realise that.

    • Thanks for the kind words. Hope your back heals quickly. Getting old is like everything else, a mixed blessing. I think it is just a process of letting go, which is hard, but eventually freeing. At least they can replace most of our parts these days. I often say, “I knew we got old and died, I just didn’t know we did it one part at a time.” 🙂

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