You Aren’t Who You Thought You Were, Are You?

Quote from The Zen of Cats by Bernard Gunther:

“Who you think you are can’t survive, but who you really are can’t not survive.”

In my fifties I worked with a Spiritual Director in an attempt to find out who I was.  I had always been a chameleon, adapting to fit relationships, any relationship, even someone chatting in the  line at the grocery.  I’d done this since childhood, but finally decided that I was tired of  not being sure who I was if no one else was around either physically or in my head.

To discover my whole real self involved looking at shadow parts that I didn’t admit to, even though they were obvious to others. One of the ways to do this was to work with my dreams.  If we start writing them down as soon as we wake up remembering them, we can begin to discover what they are saying to or about us.   Some of the characters in my dreams and therefore in my psyche, weren’t very nice.  They were, in fact, very different from the persona I considered my ‘self.’

One day, after a  somewhat disconcerting session with my Spiritual Director, I went to visit my mother in the nursing home.  Mom was in the late stages of Alzheimer’s and didn’t even seem to notice me, never-the-less recognize me.  So, I sat next to her bed and just held her hand.  I was in inner turmoil over the possibility that I wasn’t  just the friendly, generous, caring person that I liked to think I was.  As I sat there,  I was trying to convince myself that this negative side of me wasn’t real.

Mom had a roommate who had only been there a few weeks, but in all that time she never seemed to notice me come in and never responded in any way when I spoke to her.  She seemed pretty much comatose.

As I sat there silently, rationalizing about my feet of clay, the roommate raised up on her elbow in her bed, looked straight at me, and said clearly, “You aren’t who you thought you were, are you?”

As I stared at her dumbfounded, she lay back down, closed her eyes, and never said another word in my presence.  About two weeks later she died.

So much for denial.

Obviously, even when we are psychologically jamming our fingers in our ears and singing Jesus Loves Me at the top of our voice, God can speak to us.

It would also appear that He can  use any of us right up to our last breath.

Try to listen.  It will save you a lot of time and grief.

Advertisements

About Eileen

Mother of five, grandmother of eleven, great-grandmother of seven, 1955 -1959 Rice University in Houston, TX. Taught primary grades; Was Associate Post Director of Religious Education at Ft. Campbell, KY; Consultant on the Myers/Briggs Type Indicator; Presently part time Administrative Assistant/Bookkeeper for Architect husband of fifty-seven years. Blog: Laughter: Carbonated Grace

Posted on October 13, 2013, in Gifts of Age, Humor, Spiritual, Teaching/Learning Experiences and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: